Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
