She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
