i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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