I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
