At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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