My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
