Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
