i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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