And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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