Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
