She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
