i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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