I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
