CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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