I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
