i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
