last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
