so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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