seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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