Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
