i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize