While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
