i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
