I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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