Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
