My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
