wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
