was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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