I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
