theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
