saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize