Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
