I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
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