Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
