I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sext me about skeletons
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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