Yo dont text me then not text me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
