That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
