I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
