I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
