Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
