Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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