before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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