So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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