You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
