Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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