Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
