I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
