She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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