wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
