Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
