I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We got so high we made milksteak
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
