I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You have to summon your inner elephant
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
