I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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