Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
