I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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