Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize