Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Your cock deserves a montage
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
